i miss you

been thinking of S a lot today. Miss him so much, is it because i wont get to see him tonight? things i always take for granted?

3 more weeks and i will see him again =) looking forward

3 days of heaven

S came and gone. Good times just fly past so fast huh? waited a month for S, the longest 1 month in my life. as fast as the blink of an eye, S has gone home. 3 days and 4 nights, prolly the best time i had in a long time. Slept well and ate well, it was good. During these 4 days, i came to understand more about him. I enjoy being with him, doing things together and sleeping in till late. I really miss him, and now, should i visit him in december?

i think i will be stronger

to handle this. time to work hard and forget all this shit about love =)

2 weeks in

i have not been myself, moody, listless, and lethargic. I still misses Europe so much. Will i ever find back my old self again?

oh well

i hate it, i hate myself. One year ago, i told myself not to fall in love with someone so far away. As if 7 hours flight is not that far, now, i got myself someone who is 13-14 hours flight away! how fantastic! i really hate myself.

life back in singapore

It has been a week back in Singapore. Still felt out of place over here. It is too noisy and too crowded. Really struggling to fit in here. Thankful for my family and friends being here with me, they are the reason why i miss Singapore.

Healthwise, still having backache. Miss the sauna and the swimming session which would helps abit. Visiting a new doctor on tuesday to diagnose the problem, but hopefully my back problem clear up soon!

still jetlagged and emotional. just like this, one week has past.... and i do miss europe.

the dream/nightmare

i had this dream about 8 or 9 times during my stay in helsinki. and it really came true =(

no more prague

made the decision to fly back to sg next week. 1 month earlier than planned. i believe everything happens for a reason, and hope that i wont make the wrong decision

Ich liebe dich

i miss him so much =(

disappointing

My hip has been hurting ever since i went to Tallinn. I think i hurt it while i helped my friend to sent the luggage. I tried swimming, sauna and painkillers but it does not helps. Really in a dilemma now. Not sure if i should fly back earlier and skip my tour. It has been hard for me to cut down painkillers and now, i have to go back on it again. Have not felt this painful for so long, rested today but still no improvement over the pain. Kinda worried =(

sun has left helsinki

I could not sleep during my last night in Helsinki. My mind was full of T, and the pretty happy moments we spent together. It was rather sad that our last night ended quite awkward. I felt that at his place, even though both of us were together, it felt like both of us were in our own different world. Of course, with the husky and the card in my bag, it was hard.

I tried my best to sleep, but I can’t. I tried to catch a nap in the living room, but my mind was full of T. Sometime, the “IF” scenario came into my mind. I was pretty emotional, but I never cried. This morning, I was locked out of my building. As I had two luggage to pull, I get one out of the building, but left the other one behind. I rang my neighbours doors, but no one bothered. Desperate, I called the locksmith, but he asked “Puhun Suomea?”, I replied, no finnish, English, English. And I was pretty desperate. I called T for help. T helped to contact the locksmith and explained my situation and I managed to get my luggage back.

When I heard T voice on the phone, I felt at ease, really at ease. While waiting for the locksmith, I was laughing at myself, how I panick, “kanchiong” is a better word to describe my feeling. T came to my rescue, for the first time in a long long time? I felt bad, as T had to work, and it was 5am!

On the bus, I was telling myself, that from the heart of my bottom, I really like T. Mina Rakatan Sinua. “I love you” in Finnish. At the airport, as expected, my luggages were over the allowance, it was 23+9. The lady wanted to charge me half of the exceeded baggage weight, and I had to pay about 50euros! So I started to throw out my stuff, and luckily, she was sympathetic enough to let me go through without charges.

After clearing the baggage and security check, I called T. After all, I have nothing to lose, and I really love T. However, while chatting, I chickened out, and never mentioned about it. I sent T an sms, but I don’t think T replied. I wont know cos now, I am in Germany. I will miss hanging out with T.

The flight out of Helsinki on finnair was much better than the flight going into Helsinki. It was comfy, I got an emergency row seat, and it was pretty empty, less than 50% full. The food was decent, and the service was good, even though the seats are worn out. Nevertheless, it was a good flight. Arrival in Frankfurt terminal 2 was much better than terminal 1. I don’t have to go through a long way to collect my luggage. However, the trip to the train terminal was pretty long. If only they have sky trains like Singapore.

I cant wait to meet Ashar. I am glad that he is with me when I am feeling down. I guess he could really understand my feelings. I am glad I didn’t travel immediately after my departure from Helsinki. The sun is out, and nice weather at 17C in Frankfurt.

Now, I am just too tired to be emotional or enjoy the weather. Just like the blink of the eyes, I have left Helsinki for good, my home for almost 5 months. Now, typing the last sentence, I really feel like crying, but I am not going to cry in the public, at the airport. I love you Helsinki, and I love you T. May our paths cross again. The sun in Europe, no longer Helsinki.

Dramatic end to my stay in Helsinki

more to follow

PS: at the time when i needed courage, i back out, i just want to say, Mina Rakastan Sinua

husky and card

i had the husky with me, and the card. At the end of the evening, i brought the husky back with me, and the card was in the rubbish bin. it was wrong to love T in the first place, and now, i dont think i should give T anything which would hold T back. Time to move on.

yet another goodbye

said goodbye to yet another friend. We never know what will the future bring, but i could only hope this would not be the last time i meet my friends whom i have know in Helsinki.

i know where my heart belong

i spent the past 2 nights at F place. Wonderful weekend, and i know where my heart belongs.

Back at home, waiting for the queen and one friend to arrive hehehe. Queen are u reading this?

Finally

After 3 changes, My departure from Helsinki has been confirmed =\

25th May AY0821

last few days

In Helsinki, yet to pack my bag and my luggage. =\ having giddy spells today, not sure what is wrong. Hope it goes away later =)

betrayed

watched you back for more than 4 months, there for u and more than 90% of my stuff i think of you, and yet u did it. i felt betrayed, disappointed and kinda pissed off. if you take me for granted and never treasure my friendship, then fine. once lost, it may never be back again. I am seriously upset at how things turned out.

I am not stupid!

My result over in Helsinki has been out, with 4/5 for all my 4 modules. I am proud of my result since i barely studied for the papers, i went on a date on the eve of my russian economics paper, was sick the next three days, and it affected my preparation of my corporate responsibility paper. I only study my finnish for 3 hours before the paper, and only 5 hours for my environmental economics paper. I slept through the whole day on the eve of my environmental econs paper as i met my friend at nnight and spend the night over at my friend place.

Yet coming up against the smarter people, people with GPA much higher than me in SMU, i managed to hold my footing, and spending less time in my revision. The result was especially sweet in proving that i am not that stupid after all, getting mediocre result in SMU and struggling to come to SMU. With less effort, attending less class, I managed to score good results in HSE. Well Done! At least, i didnt come to europe to play, although much of my time wasnt spend on studying. =D

Still in Helsinki!

I was scheduled to fly out of Helsinki on the 16th of May. Due to the volcanic eruptions in Iceland, my flight was delayed for 18 hours. With some scrambling and some unfortunate turn of events, i was left without a ticket to fly out of Helsinki. Hence, i wont be going to greece, bulgaria, hungary, and romania. Instead, i will be joining my friends in Croatia for the later part of the travel.

Volcanic Eruptions is rather an unfortunate event and unpredictable event, and there is nothing we could do about it. I am rather disappointed with my friend at how things turned out between both of us, because of the fact that, i didnt go greece and the rest of the eastern europe with her. I dont think i have done anything wrong in this episode and if she decides that i have changed for the worse, then fine with it. I do not wish to talk about it, if this whole unfortunate turn of events overshadowed my efforts for the past 4 months.

So right after i arrived back in Helsinki, i contacted F, and we met up in the evening for a walk, and i spent the night at F place. F bought a present for me, and it is still the only stuff which reminds me of Helsinki. The t-shirt is pretty cute. Beside the lack of time to pack, and tiredness, F is also part of the reason i chose to stay back in Helsinki for longer period. Hence, i would be flying out of Helsinki, 1 day after F has to fly Amsterdam for a conference. We met up the next day for a walk around the lake, and we saw a rainbow at the fountain. F also baked a sponge cake for the walk.

Regarding T, I just have to said this, when you want to meet someone, you would ask that person out. I have always been the one asking T out, and now, i am seriously doubting if T is even interested in meeting or maybe T is just like the rest, no use meeting up when i am able to leave this country. I met D on sunday, finally after 5 months of chatting, for a coffee. Somehow, we always didnt get to meet due to one reason or another, either me out of Helsinki or falling sick when i planned to visit Tampere.

I am heading to Tallinn in a short while, yes Tallinn, 2 time in 2 weeks! Tuesday will be gone, Wednesday will be doing the adminstrative work, settling stuff with school, and also to Icelandair office to settle the claims and received the documents. Thursday would be swimming? and my last weekend with F.

Just when others give up and refuse to take it on, you have the courage to step forward. With your move, we have so many beautiful moments. The twist and turn of fate has been rather kind to both of us, with another weekend to be spend together. Thank you for the amazing time we have together. I am not sure what the future will have in store for both of us, but i hope that Fate will once again, has surprises in store for us.

i miss you

are you missing me?

wonderful past week

I finished my crappy exam last week, my last paper in Helsinki. AFter the paper, i hosted my first CS person and he is so cute! Vivi was all over him! G arrived on thursday and we had a nice dinner. After that, everything just went downhill with G! dont wish to talk about it

Friday is Vappu Eve, and i had a great time with F. Suddenly, F begins to pop up in my life. I never had such a great time partying ever! It was the best evening i ever had in Helsinki, and it was so special. Vivi and I had a picnic on saturday with the taiwanese and the hongkies, before heading back to rest from the great party on the eve. I invited some CS people over for dinner, and oh man, someone was so drama hehehe

Supposed to bring G out on sunday till he went weird... so I met up with T, yes T. We had a nice lunch, walk and chat in the afternoon. There are some mentions about IF, IF T was ... or IF we had ..., but all these dont matters anymore. All we can do is to look forward and enjoy our time spent together during my last days in Helsinki. I was reading this blog, only to realise that most of the entry are about T.

Monday and tuesday, which was yesterday, were spent in Estonia, and i had a terrible time, thanks to G. Apparently, we had out differences and glad that i wont be seeing G again. Nevertheless, i am glad to had my favourite pancakes again! Kompressor, die die must visit la!

I am meeting F later on, cooking chicken rice for him. It is his birthday tomorrow, so i got my flowers and choc cake ready for him at one of the most romantic spot in Helsinki. Excited about it, but yet again, i will be leaving F in a week time. This has been the story of my life in Helsinki, meeting fantastic people, yet without fate to be lovers.

T and G

I am treating G the same way as T treats me.

I miss T alot alot and alot, but i cannot tell him or let him know how much i miss him. Dont want him to feel guilty and when there is no future between us

time to leave him alone

I still like T, so tempted to ask him out again, but i cant. we have to move on, and yeah, we have to move on... i love you

3 months

I finally met up with T again. After some persuasion, and i knew what is he going for, i gave in. It was tough at first, but i am glad that i met him. G always reminded me to be a gentleman. I can see that he love his date alot, i saw a picture of them on the wall. It hurts, but then, i was never the one for him. when you like a person, you just want that person to be happy, and i am glad that he is doing well.

yet again, he told me, never say never, when i told him about my plans. G also told me this phrase just before i left. Oh well, now, i am getting kinda spooked by this phrase, "never say never"

Chapter closed.

I think 28th Feb was the last day i had any feeling for T. This morning, i decided to send him an email, for a closure. Right now, i am feeling great!

I should have done that and communicate my thoughts long ago, instead of avoiding each other. Well, time to move on with my life and this month going to be a good month!

maturity and expectation

I realize that the problem is with me. i expected too much from T and at the end of the day I am going to leave this country. It was stupid of me to expect anything more than being friends and that is the difference between me, a young one, and him, an older guy, the level of maturity when it comes to relationship. Like the American I met 1 week before I leave Singapore, he said he likes me and i like him, but he never say he love me and even though we will never meet again, we still keep in contact through emails and chat, because he never expect anything more and I never expect anything from him. the difference in the level of expectation and maturity.

no one say it is easy

Yesterday was a terrible day. I just have to get over T, at the very least, i got an answer.

today has been quite refreshing, been getting cues from the above, about my life in helsinki. i have been dreaming about home for the past few nights, that i flew back home. today in class, there is this quote,

"We choose to go to the Moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy - but because they are hard! Because that challenge is one we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone and one we intend to win!" from JF Kennedy

No one told me Helsinki is an easy place to settle, with the cold winter, and the quiet finns. However, the reason why i chose finland, was partly to prove myself that i can handle the difference in climate and the working conditions. the alternative scene here is even worse than the ones in Singapore. The different cultures are bringing me to the limit, especially when you are alone in a foreign land, facing so many issues. and as with the quote, this challenge is the one i am intending to win, and i will get over T and have a fabulous time in Europe.

to end it off, i will have this lyrics from beck, nobody fault but my own

Nobody's fault But my own
Tell me that it's nobody's fault
Nobody's fault
But my own tell me that it's nobody's fault
Nobody's fault
But my own tell me that it's nobody's fault
Nobody's fault
But my own
Tell me that it's nobody's fault
Nobody's fault
But my own
Tell me that it's nobody's fault
Nobody's fault

it is nobody fault for the state i am in, but my own fault in playing with fire, as in the case with T. you wanted a simple life, i made it complicated. sorry for that. i wish you all the best in your life and may you find happiness with this guy whom you are dating

新年快乐！

Happy New Year! This year is the first time i spent my Chinese New Year away from home! I spent the eve and the day in lapland i have one of the most wonderful eve ever! Determined to bring the festive spirit to lapland, i insisted and prepared a feast with the help of the others! It was so nice to have a feast on CNY eve, and as with traditions, we have abit of leftovers!

After the feast, we went on a guided mountain hike in the hopes of catching northern light. I had a good feeling that we would be able to catch it on our last night in lapland and on the eve of a fabulous year ahead! My prayers were answered! We were lucky enough to catch the northern lights! It is beautiful and mystical. Love it!

I spent most of the first day of CNY on bus, and it was tough tough 18 hours ride back home. Santa village is disappointing, too commercialized! Reached Helsinki at 6am in the morning. So tired

I kept on thinking about T, i really miss him i guess. At the same time, i dont know how to face him. I dont think i will meet him till his status is clear but i wont know what is his status unless i asked.

the ideal house

Now i am in lapland, and i am staying in this house, which is very close to my ideal house.

It has 2 dining area (I like to host my friends) , huge fridge (always love grocery shopping) , large kitchen (well equipped to whip up some big feasts!), a lovely living room, with nice sofas, huge LCD TV and even a fireplace!

It even has 2 attics( maybe 1 too much?), and 4-5 bedrooms! I love the sauna and the shower room, so big so nice!

Now, i am having my breakfast, reading the news on the internet, and enjoying the beautiful snowy scenary on the yard outside.

oh man, if only this could be my life forever, waking up and living in this lovely house....

Cooking

dishes which have received favourable comment,

Curry Chicken, ABC Soup, Thai Chili Chicken, stirred fry cabbage and egg, potatoes and sausage! will try to keep on improving on my cooking. at least 7-8 dishes with 2 soups!

Day ???

I am so tired to update this blog. Sometime i really missed him, sometime i dont. Yesterday, i went to the underground rock church. beautiful place and it remind me of T. He told me about the church where he went to for a wedding. the church is really beautiful and peaceful.

I am contemplating to sell my lapland ticket. the activities are too expensive and yet at the same time, i dont want to spend my LNY alone. I will let fate decide where will i be this V day. =(

perhaps i should be more selfish

I could not sleep last night, something happened, and struck me, and i was feeling very uncomfortable. I woke up in the middle of the night, to chat with my good friend Max. Perhaps, there are times that i should have been more selfish, and stop thinking for the others. this would spare me lots of headache, as i always think from other people perspective and causing me lots of issue.

i dont know what to do with it, maybe i will travel alone, since it is not a big deal for me. with or without her, i will still be fine.

Day 9

I miss T.

Day 8

Today was tough, so tired. Had to wake up at 7am, and only off the snooze at 8am! Was in class for most of the day. Afternoon, went to fix my specs, finally, i have a working specs! i love it!

Went to the museum just now, and reminded me of T, about how much he wanted to watch the Picasso exhibition but he dont have the time to queue. Almost queued up for him, but i didnt.

I prepared dinner today, which was good, and i went to buy this cheese for dessert, soooooooo shiok!

Well, today has been good, thanks to the food. Now i am feeling abit emo, cos i was watching the seeker. I just wanna say, at the end of the day, i still love you, tonde.

Day 7

Yesterday marks the first week without T.

was busy with planning my trips around europe and the airtickets. Seems like all has been set for the adventure of my life! cant wait for it. I still think that i did not spend enough time in Helsinki or finland to do it any justice.

Nevertheless, Life without T? seems like i am moving on =)

Day 6

today, the temperature hit 0C, which is the warmest i have experience in the past 1 month, and i really felt warm, sweating when i only wore 2 layers of clothing. the snow kept on falling despite the warm weather and the streets are ugly with all the mud.

something just struck me, there aint a lot of things in life which can withstand the test of time. just like the beautiful snow, it will melt away someday. How can something so beautiful, turned into an ugly sight within a short time? The pretty white city just turned brown and moody in a matter of hours. white is a colour of innocence and pureness, and yet it has been stained, you will never be able to get back the original colour again. just like in our life, we can never turn back the clock once the time has past.

i hate to lose, i really hate to lose. it is not that i lose T, or maybe i would lose anything if we had continue hanging out back then. i am a fierce competitor, maybe looking back, Day 1 was the day i truly experience being away from home, without friends or whoever, being alone in a winter city, and i wont lose in this fight. i will enjoy myself to the fullest starting from tomorrow,1st of feb, appreciating each and every moment i have in helsinki!

Day 5

I was thinking about something last night. There is no use finding another T, cos everyone is different. as much as i love T, i have to move on. Why should i feel sad and miserable when T does not even know how i am feeling?

A went MIA again. seriously, i am quite sick of him, he is either late or just went missing on most of our "dates". i dont know what to do with him.

The snow started falling again! after the period of sunshine, it is snowing again.

went sledding with my friends, and it was so cool. i love it, i dont know why, but i simply love playing in snow and thats how T and i started to cross the line.

Went to meet up with a CS friend. and even though day 5 is gloomy as the weather, there is light afterall.

Day 4

I went to buy another heater today, and still, i am feeling kinda cold. It is still snowing outside and i am running out of ideas to keep myself warm.

I prepared my own vegetarian lunch today, and no more instant noodles, but something new. It tastes great and it is refreshing change from my usual food. The problem being, i had to eat the same thing later on.

Well day 4 without T, i am coping well. I kinda miss him, or maybe i really do. and i also know things will never work out between both of us.

Day 3

Yesterday was a short day for me. Nothing much on, except that A was late for our date for 2 hours. The snow is really falling heavily and have been snowing for the past 36 hrs. A asked when was the last time i swam, i guess i must have gain weight even V told me my tummy was coming out.

I dreamt about T last night, that he sent me a message to ask if i wanted to meet him. It was afterall a dream forced by me, cos i was thinking about him last night.

well, thats my day 3 without T in my contact list, and i have nothing on this weekend! good or bad?

love and change

sometime, maybe we should change for the person we love, but to what extent should we make changes to our life?

Maybe, just maybe,in some cases, it would be better to lose the person u love than to lose yourself. afterall, love is accepting the person for who that person is, and not who you want that person to be.

Day 2

Second day without my asset. As my asset has been reduced, my expenses has also been reduced. No more sending of flowers, no more buying of wines. This morning, my friend told me i am emotionally high maintenance. I wondered if that is true. I think myself as independent and resourceful, as most of my good friends have commented, but maybe, just maybe, i am emotionally high maintenance when it comes to love.

I cant wait for the long weekend, housemates not around, time for me to enjoy my peace. At the same time, my heart is sinking, cos i know T will never come back to me even though i know that this would be best for T as he needs to find someone whom he can settle down, and that person wont be me.

Day 1

first day of my life without tonde. surviving. It was so cold last night that i could not sleep. I went in search for a heater and i bought the wrong one. I exchanged the item and found out that the stores in my area do not have any more stock! the cheapest one available costs about 60 euros! I went around to different stores but they do not sell heater or sold out. Finally i traveled to rouholati and found this hardware store which sold it. it cost about 25 euros but it doesnt seems to work well.

i changed my handphone number earlier in the day. so right now, i have decided to cut myself off him. so, day 1 without tonde, surviving.

clear skies

the skies are cleared, i am fine and the sun is ready to shine, i have sorted out my thoughts. T is officially a chapter closed, i think we will never meet each other again, to the best of my ability. time for sleep, and a brand new day. "i will survive" theme song yet again!

sun love tonde

my feeling for T just gets stronger. so strong that i have to stop it before it gets out of control. after my previous experience, i became very wary of such situation. i cant sleep last night, and now i am very tired. i dont know if i have make the right choice, or rather a rash decision. i am trying hard to get over it. i will get over it, or maybe i wont?

is the sun setting or rising? i dont know, all i know is i really like him. for now, i lost my best friend, and perhaps a guy whom i really like.

beautiful sun, mixed feelings

Just came back from the cottage weekend. everything was crappy except the lake which is beautiful!

i had a difficult time coping with the cold, and was rather emotional. i deleted T contact off my phone, and i dont think i will ask him out anytime soon or any more? just have to do it the hard way.

had a few unhappy moments yesterday with how some people behaved. sometime, i wonder if it hurts just to be abit more considerate towards others.

well, gotta go for now, will update my thoughts soon!

The Sun in Helsinki

Time really flies past quickly. In a blink of the eyes, i have already been in helsinki for over 2 weeks. My finnish has grown from moi to hyvaa huomenta etc. Life has been pretty good, and I have had a great start to my life in Helsinki, mainly due to 2 people, T and J. Both of them are so involved in my life, that most of my happy moments were spent with them.

Other than spending time with them, my initial days were spent window hopping and exploring my neighbourhood, including bugging the school for the internet. My apartment is in a very central location, which allows me to rest at home in between lessons. My room mates arrived a few days later, and i am still having issues staying with them. I wondered if i am better off living alone. I just cant understand why you need 4 people to cook a meal, the need to do things together, and a litre of dish washer was used up within a month.

My first night in helsinki was spent @ T place. He is a very nice guy, and it is always fun to chat and hang out with him. He also helped me to move into my apartment. We had some snow fights, visit this finnish town with beautiful snow scenery along the way and some very nice chats with each other. Of course, i learnt most of my finnish from him. Unfortunately for me, he is seeing someone so yeah, off limits.

I spent the NYE and the subsequent few nights were spent with J. He is very much into politics and i just love debating about the politics issues with him.

Last night, we went for a drink and i left early. I broke my specs on my way back and was feeling down. Somehow, i managed to fall asleep as i was extremely tired, being up since 7am in the morning. He text me around 4.30am, that he wished to meet up with me. Few moments later, he was waiting for me at the main door. We met, hug and said goodbye, (sounds like the maroon 5 song), and had some conversation on the phone. I think tomorrow will be our first official date, and i am bringing him to the place i have always wanted to bring T.

I am getting rather emo these couple of days. Sometime, i think i am just looking for trouble, especially with T. It just have D written all over it, and i dont want that to happen yet again. Living without family and friends overseas is a very challenging task for me. Especially for me, when in Singapore, i have a number of really close friends. I miss them, alot, a hell lot.

I so much hope that there is someone like, leandra, lena, or pei xiu around, someone whom i can talk to, without fearing that they would judge on me. Being gay, means that i cannot share my issues with my roomies and it sucks big time. I just hope that i will find someone soon, whom i can talk to.

2 weeks in, settling into a new country is never easy, and i am trying my best to make it work. My new year resolution? to find the best in me, for i have underachieved for so long. time for this giant to wake up! You may find this entry messy, as it reflects my current thoughts, messy and emotional.