maturity and expectation

I realize that the problem is with me. i expected too much from T and at the end of the day I am going to leave this country. It was stupid of me to expect anything more than being friends and that is the difference between me, a young one, and him, an older guy, the level of maturity when it comes to relationship. Like the American I met 1 week before I leave Singapore, he said he likes me and i like him, but he never say he love me and even though we will never meet again, we still keep in contact through emails and chat, because he never expect anything more and I never expect anything from him. the difference in the level of expectation and maturity.

no one say it is easy

Yesterday was a terrible day. I just have to get over T, at the very least, i got an answer.

today has been quite refreshing, been getting cues from the above, about my life in helsinki. i have been dreaming about home for the past few nights, that i flew back home. today in class, there is this quote,

"We choose to go to the Moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy - but because they are hard! Because that challenge is one we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone and one we intend to win!" from JF Kennedy

No one told me Helsinki is an easy place to settle, with the cold winter, and the quiet finns. However, the reason why i chose finland, was partly to prove myself that i can handle the difference in climate and the working conditions. the alternative scene here is even worse than the ones in Singapore. The different cultures are bringing me to the limit, especially when you are alone in a foreign land, facing so many issues. and as with the quote, this challenge is the one i am intending to win, and i will get over T and have a fabulous time in Europe.

to end it off, i will have this lyrics from beck, nobody fault but my own

Nobody's fault But my own
Tell me that it's nobody's fault
Nobody's fault
But my own tell me that it's nobody's fault
Nobody's fault
But my own tell me that it's nobody's fault
Nobody's fault
But my own
Tell me that it's nobody's fault
Nobody's fault
But my own
Tell me that it's nobody's fault
Nobody's fault

it is nobody fault for the state i am in, but my own fault in playing with fire, as in the case with T. you wanted a simple life, i made it complicated. sorry for that. i wish you all the best in your life and may you find happiness with this guy whom you are dating

新年快乐！

Happy New Year! This year is the first time i spent my Chinese New Year away from home! I spent the eve and the day in lapland i have one of the most wonderful eve ever! Determined to bring the festive spirit to lapland, i insisted and prepared a feast with the help of the others! It was so nice to have a feast on CNY eve, and as with traditions, we have abit of leftovers!

After the feast, we went on a guided mountain hike in the hopes of catching northern light. I had a good feeling that we would be able to catch it on our last night in lapland and on the eve of a fabulous year ahead! My prayers were answered! We were lucky enough to catch the northern lights! It is beautiful and mystical. Love it!

I spent most of the first day of CNY on bus, and it was tough tough 18 hours ride back home. Santa village is disappointing, too commercialized! Reached Helsinki at 6am in the morning. So tired

I kept on thinking about T, i really miss him i guess. At the same time, i dont know how to face him. I dont think i will meet him till his status is clear but i wont know what is his status unless i asked.

the ideal house

Now i am in lapland, and i am staying in this house, which is very close to my ideal house.

It has 2 dining area (I like to host my friends) , huge fridge (always love grocery shopping) , large kitchen (well equipped to whip up some big feasts!), a lovely living room, with nice sofas, huge LCD TV and even a fireplace!

It even has 2 attics( maybe 1 too much?), and 4-5 bedrooms! I love the sauna and the shower room, so big so nice!

Now, i am having my breakfast, reading the news on the internet, and enjoying the beautiful snowy scenary on the yard outside.

oh man, if only this could be my life forever, waking up and living in this lovely house....

Cooking

dishes which have received favourable comment,

Curry Chicken, ABC Soup, Thai Chili Chicken, stirred fry cabbage and egg, potatoes and sausage! will try to keep on improving on my cooking. at least 7-8 dishes with 2 soups!

Day ???

I am so tired to update this blog. Sometime i really missed him, sometime i dont. Yesterday, i went to the underground rock church. beautiful place and it remind me of T. He told me about the church where he went to for a wedding. the church is really beautiful and peaceful.

I am contemplating to sell my lapland ticket. the activities are too expensive and yet at the same time, i dont want to spend my LNY alone. I will let fate decide where will i be this V day. =(

perhaps i should be more selfish

I could not sleep last night, something happened, and struck me, and i was feeling very uncomfortable. I woke up in the middle of the night, to chat with my good friend Max. Perhaps, there are times that i should have been more selfish, and stop thinking for the others. this would spare me lots of headache, as i always think from other people perspective and causing me lots of issue.

i dont know what to do with it, maybe i will travel alone, since it is not a big deal for me. with or without her, i will still be fine.

Day 9

I miss T.

Day 8

Today was tough, so tired. Had to wake up at 7am, and only off the snooze at 8am! Was in class for most of the day. Afternoon, went to fix my specs, finally, i have a working specs! i love it!

Went to the museum just now, and reminded me of T, about how much he wanted to watch the Picasso exhibition but he dont have the time to queue. Almost queued up for him, but i didnt.

I prepared dinner today, which was good, and i went to buy this cheese for dessert, soooooooo shiok!

Well, today has been good, thanks to the food. Now i am feeling abit emo, cos i was watching the seeker. I just wanna say, at the end of the day, i still love you, tonde.

Day 7

Yesterday marks the first week without T.

was busy with planning my trips around europe and the airtickets. Seems like all has been set for the adventure of my life! cant wait for it. I still think that i did not spend enough time in Helsinki or finland to do it any justice.

Nevertheless, Life without T? seems like i am moving on =)