Day 6

today, the temperature hit 0C, which is the warmest i have experience in the past 1 month, and i really felt warm, sweating when i only wore 2 layers of clothing. the snow kept on falling despite the warm weather and the streets are ugly with all the mud.

something just struck me, there aint a lot of things in life which can withstand the test of time. just like the beautiful snow, it will melt away someday. How can something so beautiful, turned into an ugly sight within a short time? The pretty white city just turned brown and moody in a matter of hours. white is a colour of innocence and pureness, and yet it has been stained, you will never be able to get back the original colour again. just like in our life, we can never turn back the clock once the time has past.

i hate to lose, i really hate to lose. it is not that i lose T, or maybe i would lose anything if we had continue hanging out back then. i am a fierce competitor, maybe looking back, Day 1 was the day i truly experience being away from home, without friends or whoever, being alone in a winter city, and i wont lose in this fight. i will enjoy myself to the fullest starting from tomorrow,1st of feb, appreciating each and every moment i have in helsinki!

Day 5

I was thinking about something last night. There is no use finding another T, cos everyone is different. as much as i love T, i have to move on. Why should i feel sad and miserable when T does not even know how i am feeling?

A went MIA again. seriously, i am quite sick of him, he is either late or just went missing on most of our "dates". i dont know what to do with him.

The snow started falling again! after the period of sunshine, it is snowing again.

went sledding with my friends, and it was so cool. i love it, i dont know why, but i simply love playing in snow and thats how T and i started to cross the line.

Went to meet up with a CS friend. and even though day 5 is gloomy as the weather, there is light afterall.

Day 4

I went to buy another heater today, and still, i am feeling kinda cold. It is still snowing outside and i am running out of ideas to keep myself warm.

I prepared my own vegetarian lunch today, and no more instant noodles, but something new. It tastes great and it is refreshing change from my usual food. The problem being, i had to eat the same thing later on.

Well day 4 without T, i am coping well. I kinda miss him, or maybe i really do. and i also know things will never work out between both of us.

Day 3

Yesterday was a short day for me. Nothing much on, except that A was late for our date for 2 hours. The snow is really falling heavily and have been snowing for the past 36 hrs. A asked when was the last time i swam, i guess i must have gain weight even V told me my tummy was coming out.

I dreamt about T last night, that he sent me a message to ask if i wanted to meet him. It was afterall a dream forced by me, cos i was thinking about him last night.

well, thats my day 3 without T in my contact list, and i have nothing on this weekend! good or bad?

love and change

sometime, maybe we should change for the person we love, but to what extent should we make changes to our life?

Maybe, just maybe,in some cases, it would be better to lose the person u love than to lose yourself. afterall, love is accepting the person for who that person is, and not who you want that person to be.

Day 2

Second day without my asset. As my asset has been reduced, my expenses has also been reduced. No more sending of flowers, no more buying of wines. This morning, my friend told me i am emotionally high maintenance. I wondered if that is true. I think myself as independent and resourceful, as most of my good friends have commented, but maybe, just maybe, i am emotionally high maintenance when it comes to love.

I cant wait for the long weekend, housemates not around, time for me to enjoy my peace. At the same time, my heart is sinking, cos i know T will never come back to me even though i know that this would be best for T as he needs to find someone whom he can settle down, and that person wont be me.

Day 1

first day of my life without tonde. surviving. It was so cold last night that i could not sleep. I went in search for a heater and i bought the wrong one. I exchanged the item and found out that the stores in my area do not have any more stock! the cheapest one available costs about 60 euros! I went around to different stores but they do not sell heater or sold out. Finally i traveled to rouholati and found this hardware store which sold it. it cost about 25 euros but it doesnt seems to work well.

i changed my handphone number earlier in the day. so right now, i have decided to cut myself off him. so, day 1 without tonde, surviving.

clear skies

the skies are cleared, i am fine and the sun is ready to shine, i have sorted out my thoughts. T is officially a chapter closed, i think we will never meet each other again, to the best of my ability. time for sleep, and a brand new day. "i will survive" theme song yet again!

sun love tonde

my feeling for T just gets stronger. so strong that i have to stop it before it gets out of control. after my previous experience, i became very wary of such situation. i cant sleep last night, and now i am very tired. i dont know if i have make the right choice, or rather a rash decision. i am trying hard to get over it. i will get over it, or maybe i wont?

is the sun setting or rising? i dont know, all i know is i really like him. for now, i lost my best friend, and perhaps a guy whom i really like.

beautiful sun, mixed feelings

Just came back from the cottage weekend. everything was crappy except the lake which is beautiful!

i had a difficult time coping with the cold, and was rather emotional. i deleted T contact off my phone, and i dont think i will ask him out anytime soon or any more? just have to do it the hard way.

had a few unhappy moments yesterday with how some people behaved. sometime, i wonder if it hurts just to be abit more considerate towards others.

well, gotta go for now, will update my thoughts soon!

The Sun in Helsinki

Time really flies past quickly. In a blink of the eyes, i have already been in helsinki for over 2 weeks. My finnish has grown from moi to hyvaa huomenta etc. Life has been pretty good, and I have had a great start to my life in Helsinki, mainly due to 2 people, T and J. Both of them are so involved in my life, that most of my happy moments were spent with them.

Other than spending time with them, my initial days were spent window hopping and exploring my neighbourhood, including bugging the school for the internet. My apartment is in a very central location, which allows me to rest at home in between lessons. My room mates arrived a few days later, and i am still having issues staying with them. I wondered if i am better off living alone. I just cant understand why you need 4 people to cook a meal, the need to do things together, and a litre of dish washer was used up within a month.

My first night in helsinki was spent @ T place. He is a very nice guy, and it is always fun to chat and hang out with him. He also helped me to move into my apartment. We had some snow fights, visit this finnish town with beautiful snow scenery along the way and some very nice chats with each other. Of course, i learnt most of my finnish from him. Unfortunately for me, he is seeing someone so yeah, off limits.

I spent the NYE and the subsequent few nights were spent with J. He is very much into politics and i just love debating about the politics issues with him.

Last night, we went for a drink and i left early. I broke my specs on my way back and was feeling down. Somehow, i managed to fall asleep as i was extremely tired, being up since 7am in the morning. He text me around 4.30am, that he wished to meet up with me. Few moments later, he was waiting for me at the main door. We met, hug and said goodbye, (sounds like the maroon 5 song), and had some conversation on the phone. I think tomorrow will be our first official date, and i am bringing him to the place i have always wanted to bring T.

I am getting rather emo these couple of days. Sometime, i think i am just looking for trouble, especially with T. It just have D written all over it, and i dont want that to happen yet again. Living without family and friends overseas is a very challenging task for me. Especially for me, when in Singapore, i have a number of really close friends. I miss them, alot, a hell lot.

I so much hope that there is someone like, leandra, lena, or pei xiu around, someone whom i can talk to, without fearing that they would judge on me. Being gay, means that i cannot share my issues with my roomies and it sucks big time. I just hope that i will find someone soon, whom i can talk to.

2 weeks in, settling into a new country is never easy, and i am trying my best to make it work. My new year resolution? to find the best in me, for i have underachieved for so long. time for this giant to wake up! You may find this entry messy, as it reflects my current thoughts, messy and emotional.